One Full Year

One year ago I proposed to her ....she said yes
She took back the ring I foolishly took from her after blind anger clouded me
One year ago she said yes but take it slow
I thought I was taking it slow doing what needed to be done
Waiting too long took a toll on my mind
One year ago she said Yes but things need to change
I thought I was changing I thought I was doing better , I was wrong
I was becoming a monster
I was obsessed wanting more and more with no regard for myself
I was not me following those months of
One year ago when she said Yes
I became eradicate , unstable , and jealous
I was something I knew I didn't want to be
I wanted her to be happy at every turn even when I wasn't
One year ago I thought I would be happier
After she accepted the ring I felt joy and a direction in love
I wouldn't know that my direction would take many turns
Speaking with others on my mental state I was slowly breaking down
A welcomed thing occurred and then disaster all in a short time frame
Afterward Things were never the same
I wasn't wanted , wasn't needed , wasn't the one to love
One year ago I wouldn't have thought I would hit the bottom
I crashed into the lowest level and broke through it
My eyes full of tears , my brain racked with pain, my broken
I caused it all with my foolish ways and lifestyle
Choosing the bottle more times then most others would be called safe
Never seeing things in a brighter light only in a darker hue
I crashed and burned , I was a shell of my former self
I kept banging into the bottom day in and day out and I wanted release
I wanted out I wanted something more I was told I couldn't have
One year ago I was nowhere
But where do I stand now? Powerless , helpless, or the opposite
My tears stopped flowing , my anger ceased to erupt,
My mind not quite at ease but still not quite the same
I have my own direction but I fear the distance I am to travel
I look around and wish I had someone to grasp on to but
I know that this is not how I must proceed
She lies there not quite asleep and closer then I could have ever wanted
One year ago this is all I wanted
To lay next to her and be one
There is a wall there, not visible but it still is there
An arm - No
A hug - No
A Kiss - No
Love - ....no

One year ago I am as lonely as I started
I don't want this path anymore

My tears don't soak any pillows
My rage breaks no more walls
My mind does not scream to bring back peace
Just to bring back myself

One year ago I would have done this year different
If I knew the consequenses of my actions
If I knew the outcome of my words
If I knew I would still be unloved by her

This year ....no more...

Till next write and next year

Roberto H. Gonzalez

A single rose

One year ago I proposed to her ....she said yes
She took back the ring I foolishly took from her after blind anger clouded me
One year ago she said yes but take it slow
I thought I was taking it slow doing what needed to be done
Waiting too long took a toll on my mind
One year ago she said Yes but things need to change
I thought I was changing I thought I was doing better , I was wrong
I was becoming a monster
I was obsessed wanting more and more with no regard for myself
I was not me following those months of
One year ago when she said Yes
I became eradicate , unstable , and jealous
I was something I knew I didn't want to be
I wanted her to be happy at every turn even when I wasn't
One year ago I thought I would be happier
After she accepted the ring I felt joy and a direction in love
I wouldn't know that my direction would take many turns
Speaking with others on my mental state I was slowly breaking down
A welcomed thing occurred and then disaster all in a short time frame
Afterward Things were never the same
I wasn't wanted , wasn't needed , wasn't the one to love
One year ago I wouldn't have thought I would hit the bottom
I crashed into the lowest level and broke through it
My eyes full of tears , my brain racked with pain, my broken
I caused it all with my foolish ways and lifestyle
Choosing the bottle more times then most others would be called safe
Never seeing things in a brighter light only in a darker hue
I crashed and burned , I was a shell of my former self
I kept banging into the bottom day in and day out and I wanted release
I wanted out I wanted something more I was told I couldn't have
One year ago I was nowhere
But where do I stand now? Powerless , helpless, or the opposite
My tears stopped flowing , my anger ceased to erupt,
My mind not quite at ease but still not quite the same
I have my own direction but I fear the distance I am to travel
I look around and wish I had someone to grasp on to but
I know that this is not how I must proceed
She lies there not quite asleep and closer then I could have ever wanted
One year ago this is all I wanted
To lay next to her and be one
There is a wall there, not visible but it still is there
An arm - No
A hug - No
A Kiss - No
Love - ....no

One year ago I am as lonely as I started
I don't want this path anymore

My tears don't soak any pillows
My rage breaks no more walls
My mind does not scream to bring back peace
Just to bring back myself

One year ago I would have done this year different
If I knew the consequenses of my actions
If I knew the outcome of my words
If I knew I would still be unloved by her

This year ....no more...

Till next write and next year

Roberto H. Gonzalez

The Rage of Night

Becoming a demon

 

Chap. 1

 

Another day of little to no sleep again. I lay there tossing and turning trying to force my mind to shut off and not listen to anything my mind keeps throwing at me. I lay there allowing the cruelest thoughts pass through my mind like a powerful locomotive through a tunnel that has been sealed at the other end. The crash of thoughts and ideas keep my mind a blaze with fragments of memories, calculation, worries, and satisfaction and in general a mess of information I do not want to think about anymore. I close my eyes tighter hoping that the information will disperse into the night air like a faint mist, but it only seems to reinforce itself and gather power like a tiny hurricane attacking my mind with gale force winds of contemplation that I never asked to defend. They come at me screaming for attention, for my feedback as to how I will solve these conundrums that I cannot face at the moment. My eyes open and they are filled with tears from lack of sleep more than sadness, yet the sadness contributes to them as well. I raise my body up from the comfort of the bed and check the time. It is 4:38 am and I must be awake by 7:30 am. If I count when I actually went to sleep around 12am and when I woke back up around 2:30am I may get 4 hours of sleep today. Maybe. I rub my eyes that sting with fatigue and look around me for the 5^th time as if my surroundings would change with each checkup. I’m alone in my queen sized bed. I am sweating as always even with a fan blowing cool air upon me. The sweat is on the pillow along with the tears I wiped away, I

 

 

 

simply flip it over. I sit up and see my mirror across from me I squint and look at my face forcing a smile across it in defiance of this lonely cruel night. I smile and think “How silly a smile may seem like now compared to yesterday” I stretch my chest out and await the loud pop that accompanies it. Once it occurs I feel a slight relief and try to lie back down. My mind awaits me on that pillow and I don’t want to rest my head.

I don’t want to think of how I need to pay that bill that is due, I don’t want to think of my son who sleeps soundly in the next room thankfully oblivious to my blight, I don’t want to think about the upcoming events I want to go to , I don’t want to think about the sleep I am not getting , I don’t want to think about her…

          Tears fill my eyes again. A simple flash of memory shoots through my mind like a bullet on fire tearing through my soft thoughts of happiness. She is there lying next to me, we are in a really terrible apartment. It smells of canine piss and shit but the smell is nowhere near as strong in the room thankfully. It is morning and my son is still asleep barely weeks old but looking adorable. The bed is by a window so the morning light hits us both. I turn my head I open my eyes and she is there half-awake but smiling at me, she grabs my left ear with her right hand and strokes it as she smiles. I take a picture of this as I want to remember it for to me she seems so innocent and so safe. I place my arm around her we close our eyes and fall back asleep holding one another in an embrace of safety and protection from the outside cruel world that was shunning us. We fall back asleep and I smile in my head thinking I am safe, I am calm, I am happy.

          My pillow is soaked with sweat and tears again. I get up and walk to my closet open it up and take another pillow and toss it on the bed. It is 5:02am and I am still awake. I stop in my tracks and look into the mirror again. I walk to it and smile; I force a smile to state “Fuck You” to those thoughts, to shut them up, to stop them from seeping in any more, from making me go simply insane. I feel a rage in my body that I do not want to hold in. I want to scream but I can’t. I want to tear into something but I won’t. I open my mouth as wide as I can and silence comes out. The silent scream that has no sound but is so powerful it makes my body shake. It causes me to come to my knees and I feel the scream to my very core. The tears flow freely as I keep going on the same scream. I feel my energy being spent on this scream, my whole being is focused on this, and I feel I am expelling all those thoughts from my mind. This scream is silent but it is the loudest thing in my mind right now. As it ends I am now on the cold hard floor. I feel numb. I do not want to move from here, but I have to get to my bed. I push myself up with as much energy as I can. I pull myself up to my bureau , I sweep all the item that are encompassing the area away to the floor and I prop myself up on my elbows and I look at myself again. I do not want to smile. Instead of a smile I spit on the mirror. I hate that person I see there because he is weak, he is delusional, and he is something I do not want to be. I slowly lurch my way to my bed and plop down while trying to breathe. I count each breathe slowly

 

 

calming myself down. I give myself time to recuperate from this and I see that it’s now 5:30am on the dot. I will not get 4 hours of sleep this night. Maybe soon I will get the sleep I need, but it seems like it will not be tonight. I flip the pillow again. Place my head down and face what is to come. I do not want anything to come. I just want sleep.

11

11

How such a Numeral could mean so much
Yet again now mean so little
Would boggle the minds of Plato
And Socrates
How it has conjured up many
Thoughts, ideas, dreams
Creating whimsical plays on life
That are now memories
With each day there grows
A Dysfunctional Rift
It is so strong that it challenges
The very meaning it had
Years of it building up
Only to boil over to nothingness; just sad
What once was a meaning of not
being alone now draws loneliness
What once stood as a symbol
Is now a simple artifact
And now as it stands there with
Its power diminishing
Still standing for something
That was declared a once a fact
Two beings creating on itself
Something more real
Two singular entities come together
But not forming one
This now may not hold strength but
Its concepts ring true
Together but apart we succeed
Apart and no heart it is done

Things I am working on....

I dont know who , if anyone actually reads this but if you do I will be working on 2 books during the summer:

One is Winters Snap

The other will be called:

Becoming a Demon

If i dont update this enough I will be trying my best to work on those books.

Dont worry i got plenty to say lol

Hiatus No more

That in which we idolize we in turn start to demonize.

 

We hold that we idolize at such a high standard that one simple mistake makes us not want, disregard and/or not care/love for it anymore.

 

This is the factor by which many relationships and loves turn into failure

As placing such high standards onto others we set up their failure instead of accepting them as they are we expect them to be as something else we perceive in our minds.

You cast a shining light upon an angel yet when you find that this angel performs no mircales at all you start to see it as just another entity. We save our money for months to buy that new car only to find that the seats arent the most comfortable thus ruins the entire expereince and we call it a hunk of junk.

Its a cruel fate we place upon others but we must learn to not idolize , but praise and appreciate when needed. Overtly doing so will dimish the praise and worthiness of anything after worths. Again i state a Cruel fate that we as human beings place upon people/ places/ things in general . And its real form is a destructive force that should not be placed upon people. Hopefully we find another way out.

Many who have known me understand that I am not a deeply religious person but this thought process came to mind under a discussion about marriage during a church radio show that caught my ear. It was intriguing and rather eye opening to say the least. Especially since its probably been my first time around anything strongly dealing with religion in years.

I guess you never know... Always keep your eyes and ears open

Till next write

How Long

How long can you trust anything
How long can you sit there trusting someone who does not want your trust
How long can you stay there trying to prove your worth when they dont bat an eye
How long can you choose to fight the good fight before looking like a fool
How long can a person give and give and give until they relaize that they need to take
How long will it all last when both parites stop caring
How long will the torment of the night feel upon them
How long will it take for either side to give in or give up
How long will the emotions last or carry on
How long will the time spent trying actually mean anything in the end
How long can one endure wihtout speaking up
How long can you be a slave to emotion and not walk away
How long will it tak for love to shine
How long will it take love to fail
How long will it take for them to wake up
How long will it take for you to fall asleep
How long will it take for this to all end
how long will it take before Its all over and we are no longer friends
How long will it take to dry all these tears
How long will it take to destroy these last memoires
How long will it take to let go of every piece of this
How long will it take to just say fuck it
How long will it take to realize this is not right
How long will it take to gain some insight
How long will it take to have actual open eyes
How long will it take to have my mind stop working on it
How long will it take to turn off this part of me
How long will it take to simply just stop
How Long
How long
........

No answers...

Tips I used to feel/look better - Enjoy

How To Build A Better Body

Plan To Getting Fit:

 

1.    Stop Drinking Beers PERIOD!!! An occasional Drink now and then is fine but No more constant 6 packs because they won’t lead to 6 PACKS.

2.    Snack good – Almonds, yogurt, Natural Peanut butter with celery (0 calories), try to abstain from hot pockets and sugary snacks.

3.    Drink more water and LESS Diet soda. Seltzer water is good and Lemon water.

4.    Build more protein and fiber into your diet – Chicken, Tofu, Fish, some beef, brown rice, brown pasta, fiber one bars  – BUT no Fried foods – Steamed, baked, grilled.

5.    Include more Fruit in your diet – Bananas, Berries, Apples, Lemons, This will provide a healthy snack alternative.

6.    Try to eat small portions throughout the day. Snack good and snack healthy.

7.    Try to Work out 4-5 times a week minimum as it helps to maintain what you have – Even if its 20 minutes a day.

8.    Once the fat is off you can diet on 2000 Calories. Dieting on less is to lose or shed the access pounds from your belly fat. This will help you go back up while bulking up (in Muscle).

9.    If ordering out try to order healthy options from menus. Chinese go with steamed food with brown rice, Salads from other places.

10.Never Give up on yourself – Know that it will help you in the long run.

The nothingness of negativity

What is done is done and yet you sit there with your face skewed in such a way that is draws me to think that you expected more but when I drew out more you decided to stay behind and look at me like I was something utterly unnecessary. As if my existence was a stain on the life you now live and glorify. Well with a swift and heavy heart all I can do is choose to exit. Exit out of this hardship and disrespect, of this constant looking down at me from a pedestal that I created. I choose to knock down that pedestal for it has instilled upon you something that I never wanted. I look with dry eyes at the person who I reached out to in the cold lonely nights and all I see is me being a fool. A fool who is tired of being spurned left and right, a fool who was simply there in your eyes to entertain and make to look stupid while you claim your victory over me. My, how this fool has now grown into his own king for I peek at my essence and realize that you were not that of which created it yet you now mock it. A king is what I feel I am and have become not because of you but yet instead through you. In explanation I simply have grown to understand this and life has grown brighter. The nights are not as cold and the life I lead now has become for me. These memories sometimes travel back, flashes of smiles, hugs, and happiness. I push them out my mind for they are no longer needed by me to move me. I don’t push them out to be cruel but to know that they are simply memories and the more I hold on the more I punish myself. The more anger can seep in letting me know that I have taken a wrong turn and that path is now closed to me forever. Why torment myself with this when I can keep going down my path now, hope for a new sunrise and smile. I say this to not only gain insight or convince myself but because it’s all I can do to stay down the positive road I have before me. My positive actions, my positive thoughts, my positive attitude, my positive life will not be tarnished before it gets a full chance to blossom into something glorious and worth life. I haven’t gone this far to become mere cannon fodder to the slings of doubt, hate, and ridicule. You demand I dance like a maniacal puppet master yet I have chosen to cut strings , each one bringing me closer to who I am and bringer me to a center of peace that I have needed to be within since I became a grown man. Life does not stop because of you, even though I used to think that my life was better with you. I would think that my time with you would stop time and make the gods jealous for I was with a goddess one of their own, even though you are a goddess I realize that my time has come and gone and time did not stop. It did not even slow down for me or for us, it sped up and left us to fend for ourselves; and now you have seemingly left me to fend for myself. I have to be left and push aside to grow and that I have done in spades. My anger used to become my hallmark yet now it’s not even a footnote in my life. Understand this is no love letter of independence but a stance on growth appreciation and truth. These are the factors that guide me into a path that I may at times steer in a wrongful direction slightly but never a complete 180 as it has made me feel better made my life feel more invigorating. It used to be provided by you in so many ways that my dry eyes become slightly watery but I can’t allow me to be a slave to those emotions, yet maybe in a faithful blessed day of life love honesty and respect you can become that to me and I that to you . A shining light in a row of dark ominous clouds , a drop of water to a parched desert , a kiss for a worn torn lover … who knows the future is not certain but I refuse it to be bleak. I refuse it for that negative connotation steers me wrongly and I don’t need that within me …not now…not ever again.

2 Very important things we need...

Have to words ever held more meaning to anyone other then trust and respect?
If we had to break it down I would clearly have to say no. You cant have one without the other and you need both to have a thriving relationship with various degrees of people throughout your life.

Through a seemingly 3 Second search I found this information on Trust and its meaning:

In a social context, trust has several connotations. Definitions of trust typically refer to a situation characterised by the following aspects: One party (trustor) is willing to rely on the actions of another party (trustee); the situation is directed to the future. In addition, the trustor (voluntarily or forcedly) abandons control over the actions performed by the trustee. As a consequence, the trustor is uncertain about the outcome of the other's actions; he can only develop and evaluate expectations. The uncertainty involves the risk of failure or harm to the trustor if the trustee will not behave as desired.
Trust can be attributed to relationships between people. It can be demonstrated that humans have a natural disposition to trust and to judge trustworthiness that can be traced to the neurobiological structure and activity of a human brain, and can be altered e.g. by the application of oxytocin.
Conceptually, trust is also attributable to relationships within and between social groups (families, friends, communities, organisations, companies, nations etc.). It is a popular approach to frame the dynamics of inter-group and intra-group interactions in terms of trust.

 So it can be seen that Trust is a rather risky business when you break it down. I have to trust someone and within that I place a small risk because I have no clear expectation as to what my trust int hat person will grow into. Its a Game of stocks and bonds except we gamble with more human things that are attached to us emotionally and mentally. We place our trust on the low end and we might not get a high reward but we are sure that it will turn out great small risk - small reward. But what about placing trust int he hands of something risky? The term is High Rick High Reward! If we are to place trust in this category then we can see that trust is a valued commodity. To trust another human being with your life is highest of risks while right behind that i think most can agree that Trusting someone with your heart is just as risky and can be damaging. Trust goes more then just with the heart , you sometimes need to trust your friends and co-workers to help you develop past certain events and things that might hinder you from a proper future. Being trustworthy is said to be a high honor and mark to achieve in life. Thus Being trusted means a bright light can be shone onto the individual and it also places a pressure on them to always be trustworthy regardless of what they feel on subjects, terms, and conditions that may arise. Trust also seems to focus on the events of the future. WE trust so that way our future is more secure and not random or left to chance. Risky as it may seem trust is a state of mind in which we feel that if we do this - this should occur. We have that ability (thought process) built into us naturally. Look at a Pack of wolves they trust each other it happens naturally and grows , even those who disrespect the pack can slowly gain back trust and it happens on its own terms.

Lets view something else now - Respect :

Respect is a positive feeling of esteem or deference for a person or other entity (such as a nation or a religion), and also specific actions and conduct representative of that esteem. Respect can be a specific feeling of regard for the actual qualities of the one respected (e.g., "I have great respect for her judgment"). It can also be conduct in accord with a specific ethic of respect. Rude conduct is usually considered to indicate a lack of respect, disrespect, where as actions that honor somebody or something indicate respect. Specific ethics of respect are of fundamental importance to various cultures.
Respect is both given and received. We expect other people to respect us in return for the respect we show them. Respect is also something that is earned by the standards of the particular society in which one lives. Respect cannot be measured as a quantity, cannot be bought or traded, it is one of those things that is earned and built over time, but that can be lost with one stupid or inconsiderate act. One can ask or beg for respect, but only others can bestow us with respect as a result of their perceived treatment by us. Continued caring interactions are then required to maintain or increase that original earned respect. Respect cannot always be seen or observed by actions, but for those who practice chivalry, the outward display of respect is refreshing. Some women view this as patronizing and demeaning, but in its pure form chivalry is about nearly absolute respect.
Respect should not be confused with tolerance, since tolerance doesn't necessarily imply subordination to one's qualities but means treating as equal.

For respect it is something that can be given and Received at the same time between two people. It is seen from co-worker to co-worker , father and son, husband and wife, and boss to employee. Respect is something though that is shown differently throughout many cultures and many confuse it with fear. Again here comes just like trust respect is something that is an interaction between people that occurs through natural occurrences. If I choose to hold the door for someone it shows some form of respect toward them thus in kind that person may do the same to me. Respect seems to become then a treatment of how we perceive people. If we see them as mere dogs on the street then we would ignore them like the beggars on the street. Also it may seem physical appearance plays a crucial role in most societies. It would be seen to be disrespectful if we came dressed to work in shorts and a t-shirt (unless that is the norm) in an office setting. There are so many factors that control Respect it can be mind boggling. Status, appearance, value, chivalry , creed, love, family, ....the list goes on and on and the complexity of it is only overshadowed by the simplicity of how fast it can all disappear with one act of a terrible choice. Respect is hard to earn but once there it becomes a slippery slope in which we can tether off at any moment. It becomes our greatest challenge , treasure and poison all at one time.

As scary as this all may seem what can be seen is that these things are both perceived in different ways ... They aren't shown in the same light here as they would be in Japan or Africa. They change and become something much more then that they become what we need them to become. From person to person the definition I place here or thought s on it may be totally wrong. They may see respect as being feared, being treated like a god but those two things are not within my mind set I assure you. I hope by seeing this we can all see that through our life we need these two things and these interactions between others to shape our lives. We go around demanding other things but these two things Trust and Respect...they seem to scream the loudest when it comes to what helps us feel at ease and on another level. WE feel comforted and more of a welcomed aura among others. So let us Respect and Trust , Learn it or Re-learn it because without it how can we define our own well beings?

Swag , Style or Class...

As of recent I have felt like I want to talk about this on another level because it strikes me that some women want to act like they want one or the other or that we as a generation are supposed to dress/act in a certain way regardless of whats going down in our lives.

Swag well IDK what to say about SwAg - Being Swaggy - Having major Swag ....to me its a stupid term thrown around by people who care so much about what people will say on what they wear that they will break bank just to impress a bunch of people who are just as shallow as they are...I mean little kids and using the word swag I guess that's okay , But when your pushing 30 and you trying to claim swag left and right and you cant afford to get on the train the next day ...well then how does that make you really look. Being from NYC Brooklyn I see this way too often. 300 dollar sneakers , 500 outfit ...cant buy a drink , get on the subway or hell pay your phone bill. Its bonkers to think that some people need this classification to be cool/hip in this society and I really wanna know when this even first started because being in college I learned how to stop dressing like whatever and start dressing like I had a future and proper. After college it seemed like Sagging your jeans, wearing obnoxious colors and talking like a disrespectful shit is what gets you by.

Style - This I can comprehend only for the simple fact you do not know who you will run into in this life . I recently met Hugh Jackman a Crazy Handsome man and I gave him a nice hello and he complimented my outfit - I was dressed stylish just like himself - It had some colors to it but I bet if I dressed in some tacky Jeans , shades and some outlandish shirt he would have looked the other way ... When the Fuckin Wolverine Compliments you its a good day. Also when you see a man in a suit , shirt tie, slacks , any combination of this clothing they garner respect from others. I cant honestly respect a man walking around talking nonsense thinking he is the shit with barely a life to his name cause his life revolves around what others perceive of him . Style is taking care of yourself and making yourself look good cause you respect yourself enough to dress the part. Immaculate , clean , and confident. These are the terms of style

Class - I think anyone can have class - Older men don't necessarily all have class. Some are pervs lol . But when you examine it older men are wiser and understand the choices they make with great knowledge. They exude class because they know what works and what doesn't work but most times you can just look at them and tell. My grandfather has class , he knows what works and how to speak like a man of wisdom . To me honestly Class = Wisdom . The older men know what to expect and respond in kind with a touch of class that never seems to sound of fear but of determination. Class can be shown from young and old alike but Class does pour out of experience and knowledge.

The way I see it - Swag is for those who don't see long term. I'm going to buy these sneakers , that outfit and then barely care or utilize them again. Those sneakers (unless you keep them in safe storage) aren't going to pave the way to your future, But a nice shirt tie or suit can impress just about anyone if worn smartly and with style. Can there be a mixture of the 2 ....probably but I have yet to see something like that occur. Its off putting that this generation claims things like - As Long As I got Swag who needs ___________(Put anything that makes logical sense to have here Job, Money, Kids, etc.) I have never heard anyone say I got style Who needs to pay bills ... NEVER ... Or Class for that matter.

It seems that Class and style fit my needs, Swag can be other things but I'm sorry I got bills to pay and a kid to raise... I need that money to look clean , be respected , and make sure I can enjoy life and retire happy

Till next write

Stay Stylish/ Classy

Listening to Place for my head by linkin Park - The reanimation version and ....well....

Linkin Park - Place for my Head Reanimation

This song used to make me upset
It used to fill me with a huge rage that built up in me
As the lyrics faded and it reached a eruption point I would scream the lyrics
I would scream them till my voice became so Loud I could shatter glass
I Sang/Screamed the end part till My voice went sore
I Screamed them till I became numb my body shaking as I did so
I would feel my tears roll down my face as I did so
Sometimes I would fall to the ground expressing such anger
I would feel so angry I could not control my pitch, fists , face , nothing
I would grow red hot with anger

Then when It was over I would feel drained all the anger that was building up
It now had left my body and no longer was a part of me
It escaped me I had transformed that anger into words not directed to anyone
But was that true?
I yelled these words and Screamed them till i turned into Rage itself and other would be around
They would feel my anger they would feel my rage
They would be scared and think Is it for me
Is this tortured anger meant for me is it so hateful toward me?
When I screamed My aim was sometimes to people to things in my life
To express them outright to have them be felt
To let people know the extent of my anger
To the point even the Hulk himself would come to say "Its okay man"
Did I just need a hug, a kiss, a smile
Perhaps I needed a fight to win
I needed something because that anger was destroying me from the inside
It consumed me it eradicated love in an instant
Shattered remains of happiness were what I had to pick up after this attack
But Then I realized why do i keep picking these pieces up ?
Why Do I Keep fighting to hold on to this or any kind of happiness?

After Some time I haven't listened to the song
I didn't want to bring back that much anger to myself to others
To have people fear me , fear what I might do or say
But I played it as loud as I could the other day
I played it and listened and as I got to that crucial end part
As I got there as it slowly came in with a piano tune
My rage started building , I pictured myself alone but there was someone there
As the music went on and the lyrics came In I moved toward that figure
I moved toward that person and as my anger grew , tears formed
The tears rolled down my cheeks as I approached this person
What was i angry about at who , who tormented me so much that simple words enraged me

*You try to take the best of me
You try to take the best of me, go away
You try to take the best of me
You try to take the best of me, go away
You try to take the best of me
You try to take the best *

As these lyrics poured over me I saw that person
I saw the monster that was tormenting me
I saw the beast for what it truly was
As I approached it my tears flowed like a river my anger reached a tipping point
It was me...

*Go, go away
You try to take the best of me, go away
You try to take the best of me, go away
You try to take the best of me, go away
You try to take the best of me, go away
You try to take the best of me, go away
You try to take the best of me, go away
You try to take the best of me, go away *
At this stage I grab him , I grab that monster that i was angry at
I throw my hands at him I punch him till my hands hurt
I force him tot he ground with every ounce of strength I have
I grab the beer bottle from his hands
I smash it into his face over and over and over again
I smash his skull to the floor I release my utter rage unto him
This beast who cost me everything this monster who was not me
It was someone I didn't want to become
All around me darkness, blood and him still mocking me smiling laughing
Cause he took over me as if he had won but I refused to let him win
More of him popped up around me I fought on
I fought till my knuckles bled , I fought till my lungs ran out of air
I kept fighting but they seem to keep winning
Laughing mocking me with memories of how hurtful and abusive I was
How I would drink My life away
How I had this rage and instead of focusing it I let it out on others left and right
I stood there I grasped my Head ....

*You try to take the best of me (get away from me), go away
You try to take the best of me, go away
You try to take the best of me, go away *


As All hope seems lost as I sit on the knees ready to concede
I Scream the last Lyric of the song

*Get away from ME! *

The images of that past me shatter into millions of shards of glass
I collapse as the shards fall ever so slowly around me
I hold myself ....empty ...alone ....with tears on my face
I hold myself and smile ....knowing that I know the demon was  no one else but me
And That I can control him , I can overcome , I can win
That no matter how mad I get , he will never come over me again
That no matter what occurs It will be better for he is not here
I wont allow him to be here , This is my home not his
For he was a destroyer of worlds and I have become that to create
The pieces I picked up weren't of my happiness
They were of that other side of me
I picked them up so that no one can step on them and feel them hurt anymore
I picked them up cause it doesn't hurt me to be cut by them
But I would not and do not and never again want someone else to feel this
This hate , this anger , this rage ...they don't and never deserve it
I pick them up to save others from it , so they may not spill their blood for it
I spill my blood for it , I protect others from that in which used to envelope me
They need not feel that anymore , they need not fear that anymore
I toss the pieces to be destroyed ...

What Goes With time

There will always be time for you for me for us
We were meant to be together and alone
Empty sad but hopefully yet still
I feel lost for I am not in my home
I have given to a great point that I would break
Not knowing that it was not what was needed
It took my energy my power my tears
And yet I now seem truly defeated
Yet that is not the case nor is that a statement
I live and breathe not because of you
But Because For my life to go on
To feel The warmer Embrace of Life I have to
Your eyes hold no solution nor does it shy away
It locks on to me awaiting more tears
I apologize for this but I cant anymore
I have finally indulged and faced my fears
My heart used to pump on a blood
A blood that was just called you
But that blood poured  through my tears
And now It bumps without you
I'm sorry I was weak but
Now I become much more then just strong
Wait I take back my apology
For I have committed no more wrongs
I Have given and you have taken
I have asked and you chose to ignore
I rise up now through ashes
It is your stubbornness I abhor
The lack of feeling the lack of depth
Lack of tears for my tears , lack of a simple smile
Now I choose to walk away laughing
For now you shall feel again my style
My style of life that I now live
My way of thinking breathing and living
I have to walk away from this
My blood, My sweat , My tears I was giving
No more...No more ... No more...
Time is there for me now , I take it away
It becomes my keeper my lover
From its grasp and embrace i will not sway
My time , My time is now at this moment
To burn with a fire I thought once gone
To smile, sing , dance , rejoice
To no longer sit around playing the Pawn
I am a king in this game of Life
I am the most important piece
Without me there is no purpose to play
For all the games will now cease
I Go on I move I live I become ME
You want this time have it and believe
For all these moments I had
I will not wasting them to grieve
Rise up , Rise above it all ,
Rise against the hatred , Rise above my past
Give my all to me and my heart
Time is there , this time I will last
There was always time
There was always space
But now I'm gone from this
No longer shall any see my face
Only a true person of heart
A true person of the mind
For its all I ask of now
No hatred hearts just kind...
Let time feel the anger let it feel your rage
It can control it all , It will let you free
For this time the anger that scared others
Is not coming from me...

Roberto Gonzalez

04/29/2013

This Daylight...

Inspire me , enlighten me , breathe into me
Every ounce of love and shower me with smiles
I can beg for it but I want it naturally
It needs to come to me without fear
Nothing shines better into oblivion
More then the light of simple thoughts
A flower blooming , a child laughing ,
A babbling Brook or a shinning star
It draws me in and hugs onto my heart
It never lets me up and never let me down
I feel the warmth of the sun splash me
Across my face , across my mind , across my joy
It touches me warmly enters me
It makes me feel more then a man should
I become a demi-god with the strength of ten men
I become a champion that can not be beat
I become whole , I become light itself
I shine onto others just to see smiles
I shine to those with no hope in the Dark
I shine to those who hold on to fear
I shine for those who need this warmth too
I am light that flows naturally, Playfully, abstract
But most certainly real as I am here
My body moves without sound but a beat
Fills me and beats within me
My heart becomes so strong it holds all the pain
It hold the pain of others It holds the life of them
It gets bigger and the rocks thrown out of hate
Out of anger , out of rage , all vanish
Those Obstacles become a mere distraction
They become nothing in the dust of my light
My heart holds you , it envelopes you
It guides you to a smile that makes you warm
It makes you into something more
IT warms you touches you gently
It whispers "Let Go" and with tears flowing you embrace it
I hold you , without tension without anger
I hold you, without fear without malice
I hold you , with care with tenderness
I hold you , with purpose with comfort
We are the light we become one for a moment
We shine brighter and brighter
We give the darkness a reason to escape
We shine brighter with every passing moment
It makes us warm , we are comforted and we shine
My strength becomes yours My comfort is yours
We dance in the light but no naked eye sees us
We play among the faces of others making them smile
We outshine the sun itself
We become more than light
We become so many emotions , We are on another level
As we play and dance time holds still
It stops to look upon us and smile
It stops and wonders what its like to be happy like this
But time must move on
While we still dance , and play , and shine

Another Day...

How does one simply ignore what had happened? How does one simply never act or react to what occurs in life? Do the actions of silence speak even louder then words?

Silence is an enemy to most people. It can lead to someone being lead into being guilty of a crime they never committed, It could have saved a life, It could have started a revolution, It could even crush a heart. Silence is not golden it is instead the black darkness that binds us to negativity. Without speaking thoughts and ideas fester within out very being becoming more and more then just thoughts and Ideas and they become actions in which not only make us react but also make us retract and pull back from life from society from life, family and love itself. What does one benefit from silence? You battle within your own head a battle that cant be won for if you are in charge of your own thoughts and Ideas then you already should know the outcome of the fight inside but instead you draw now a paradox because a battle should not have been drawn if the outcome was predetermined.

I cant not say whether holding in words and feelings makes us more whole or more insane but I truly feel being honest with what occurs in life and expressing it leads to less weight and another day to live. When you held that in , your chest your heart your breathing can become different and distorted. By saying it out loud it allows for more room for the self to become better. Every now and then others may ask "how are you?" it is easier to say "Okay" and plaster a fake smile upon our face but its braver to admit and say "No, I am not" No need for any other words but simply letting it out makes others aware. Is it wrong to let others know ...maybe not because those who are friends will know to either speak up and lend a helping hand easing our burden of the situation and giving us some clarity. Perhaps they know that its best to leave you to your own devices. In either case vocalizing your position in life lends others to witness and see that you may not be okay but you recognize that you yourself are not okay. By simply rejecting and stating you are okay you may in fact trick yourself in to believing that you re okay. This may lead to a mistake - Constantly stating I am okay allows for the issue to fester and boil over into rage , anger , depression , and constant negativity.

Allow yourself to state simple things to yourself out loud

I AM NOT OKAY

I AM NOT OKAY

I AM NOT OKAY

I AM NOT OKAY

I AM NOT OKAY ....

Let it seep in and really place your mind into that situation. Once you can verbally state this out loud to YOURSELF to ADMIT to it . You have now empowered yourself to know in your head you are not okay but its okay not to be okay. You have to give yourself that time to understand that saying and admitting it will give you more clarity it will make those tears mean something instead of tricking yourself in saying  I AM OKAY ....Saying I am okay will only lead to you holding everything in silence . Shutting doors to everything around you that doesn't need to be shut in the first place. By stating what you know - You crack open one door you let in the correct method of accepting that there is a problem and that you will face it head on. With or without someone it - It doesn't matter because now you have taken a step and cracked the door open. This will allow you to stop the silence that may damage the heart , That could have started the revolution , that could have saved a life. Possibly your own.

There is no facts or truths to be told , this is all theory and thought. Thoughts I project to many because lets face it , in this world we know many people , associates, friends, family, lovers....that go through this and when you feel their silence so ever present ...and when you ask are you okay? When you hear Yes I am ....you get that nagging feeling that no they are not...but you cant poke or prod the feeling you can only ask and hope that one day when they clear their mind that when you ask ....they finally answer back

Till next write...

Just Like a Book...

During a conversation recently I stated some words that reverberated back onto me and made me feel more happy then I have been in a long time. These words were spoken straight from the hip - without thought or hesitation on my part. It struck me because I said them and it rang more true to me then anything else negative or positive that I stated before. "You have to close one chapter of a book to open up a new one..."

When you read a book sometimes you become so captivated by simple words that you intake it into your own person. You don't want to turn to the next page because the next pages could possibly taint what greatness there was in those simple words read. You stop yourself from reading the next chapter you want to be content with what it is and how it is because you feel it reached a pinnacle that it wont top ever again. Yet how does that benefit you in the slightest? How does not finishing that chapter and starting a new one help you enjoy the book as a whole . It probably wont.

Getting to that next chapter relies on you being able to take a deep breathe know that no matter what follows this at least you are moving on. You may not like what you see or what you run into but you become a stronger person by doing so in general. It will bind you and make you become a person who can have insight and thoughts and ideas that you never had before. Its difficult , its troubling but you can never say I finished that book that chapter unless you make the effort to push forward and realize it for the better that you do this.

Whether the lovers finally get together, the hero dies, the life is saved, the little engine that could does it (lol), you got to try to finish and turn that page. It may take days, weeks but turn that page and exit that chapter you were in , finish it and when you look back you feel like a better person for finally taking the courage to simply turn the page. Get to that new chapter and breathe it in take in those new words and smile. Enjoy that new feelings and air for it can be the best thing you ever feel until of course a new chapter comes along but once you close one chapter out , you realize it can become easier to get to the next one and the next and the next.

Its a tough journey through life and time when a simple chapter holds so much weight against you that you feel a bit smothered or overwhelmed by it. DONT! Feel those pages pass by you like a flow of a river and you become stone. Yes it may sting here or there but you live . One day at a time you live and enjoy and most importantly you simply smile. I believe that next chapter will actually be better then the last because with those last chapters I gained knowledge and became wiser. I learned more about myself through this book called life then I have while being ignorant and repugnant. It pushes me but I have to allow it to go and let it flow. Allow myself to become that stone , Bear any burden face any challenge and turn around and smile just a little more.

Till next write....

Smile

The Stranglehold of Technology

Take a moment if you can to analyze your surroundings ... What do you see? Probably many people but with a slight disconnection from reality or maybe no one if your a hermit. Sadly what you may see is everyone's head slightly pointing downward examining their lovely screens or tablet or whatever have you.

It's becoming slightly awkward to even see couples in restaurants texting away or checking their phone. It's weird that they don't seem to be communicating but they are in another way. They are sharing info but not in a regular way like it used to be. To me I see that when your at a date or any social gathering your their to communicate and enjoy a time together not with each others phone. We are attached to social networks so much that we stopped looking up!

When I was growing up I played outside. The trash can was my basketball hoop, tag had so many version I did them all , read light green light was awesome but ask some kids what tag is and they might think you mean a iPad game. I played with gi joe and ninja turtles . When I wanted to get in contact with someone I had to call their house and hope they were there or go outside and find someone else to be friends with. When I took a picture it was with a 35mm camera and every shot count.

Now it's sad that to keep kids quiet we stick them with a phone or tablet. I personally tell my son that he has so many toys and he should play with them as much as he can cause he will miss the day he had them. His best me pride will one from the moments he was outside making friends getting tired from playing and crashing after a good day out. It definitely won't be from a video game that will be obsolete by the next reiteration of that game. We as parents and as human beings need to disconnect our kids from technology take time to give them a book or tell them a story. I recently started telling my son stories about Peter Pan and dumbo and his eyes lit up with imagination behind them it was a great feeling! Sure he is allowed video games but not all the time and I make sure to monitor what he is playing for violence or other bad things (like those damned in app purchases that plague every game now).

Us as adults are way worse. See out kids will lose interest but we play social games , tweet , Facebook , Instagram , etc etc ! We make our phones and social Internet sites more of our lives then we make of our actual life! How many people do you know are constantly on Facebook or posting pictures on Instagram while they are out and about? Do those people interact with others or do they isolate themselves so much they become disjointed from the world? It's by no means terrible but sometimes you gotta take some time to be in the real world that other are a part of. A person I know is on Instagram plenty but she knows how to put that aside and have intelligent conversation or go outside and that's good - others make these things all they know. Here is where it turns dangerous.

If you haven't been made aware congress passed. Law that allows the government to know and go into your personal Information from any company. How is that bad? Well when 80 percent of your life is on your phone on websites well it allows them access to your life and the lives of others. That tweet might be being traced right now. That picture lets them know what your up to and where. We invest so much into technology we become part of it and we place our lives in it this we place out lives and personal info squarely on the hands of the government. It's a scary thought - think About if they wanted to find you right now - that shiny new phone becomes their gps to find you. They say its to monitor and help find criminals but how long before we become the criminals? Scary huh ? It could all be conjecture sure but maybe it isn't.

Unfortunate for us technology is everywhere and that phone you have now is thousands of times then a computer from the 90's. and it draws us in and makes us feel like wow we have so much power in our hands little did we know that it turns around and creates shackles. We analyze every tweet , picture , post , and thoughts of others. Friends , families , relationships go down in a flash from a simple post it's mind boggling. We the. Start isolating ourselves and making the Internet our security blanket and where will it lead us if divided we fall easier. We need to go back outside , put the phones down or turn them off completely and see our lives and ourselves again. We can't let these things strangle us until we die cause the moment we do is the moment we give up on life and it simply won't be worth living. Would you rather be known for that witty post you made or for something else that will last a life time for you and them and maybe others.

Till next write ... See you outside

Push Push Push

Keep going
Never end
Dont look Down
Dont even Bend
Seek to be better
Never meek
Become more
Never settle for weak
Exact your own style
Never of another
Become that of guile
Try your best lover
Give for your own good
Give to smile
Never seek attention
But do not stay on file
It is a start
Also it is new
Chances for happiness
All too few
Wake up to the day
Wake up to life
Close the door
Expel the Strife
Lead with your hand
Walk in those shoes
Understand the mind
And welcome all news
Leave the contempt
Seek the glory not fame
Achieve more with yourself
You may never be the same
Smile
Sometimes its all you have
Be brilliant
Never give less then half
Excel
Keep the wheels turning
Ignite
Keep your fire burning
Expolde
Let it be heard, Shout
Release
Finally let it out
Be born
And truly live
Be you
Life is yours ...live

4/19/2013

Happiness - Continued

Happiness -Truth of fiction Part 2:

 

 



 

We have already discussed what occurs through study , research and thoughts from the past. I wanted to continue this by discussing something I came across recently. This Idea revolved around the simple process of the VOICE that we all "have". I have some issues with this but In general I feel its a positive way to look on to being happy yet there are some flaws with this logic. The idea brought here is that we can create Energy that in turns becomes a strength for us to become better and happier. The diagram below better explains in detail what it is about:

 



 

See it derives that the ROOT and intention of words will start a process that leads into energy that becomes a self empowering tool that makes a positive aura within us . I only say aura cause of the comical way the rainbow design is used below in the last box.

Some complaints I have on this is that firstly there are those people who are Mute their entire life. So if I look at this that means someone else must say these words for me or I must Write them down over and over again to visually get a meaning and then I skip the vibration energy - Does my Visual energy have to be stronger or my thought energy to make up for the speaking part?

What about the thought of I CANT DO THAT - but in a positive way I cant become apart of this crime? - I Don't believe this is the correct path? Are we to assume that we have to clear away negative wording all together which in turn will help not bring us down or the stoppage of growth. There are times we as human being need to use these words to speak to others.  A supervisor cant evaluate someone on their poor performance and be positive about it as it gives the connotation that its okay to be bad at your job. The negative aspect I see gives a balance. As far as I feel negatives and positives mix with us and to go against them in a forcible fashion can lead to an imbalance.

NOW as far as this working. I honestly can say that I havent tested any of this out fully. I tend to keep my thoughts , ideas , and emotions to my thoughts as speaking out I CAN etc etc seems awkward in a office environment. At home I do speak to myself in a mirror and have attempted this to which the result did make me feel a little happy. It was quick and to the point. When i spoke Negative i felt negative energy come back upon me and it increased in mass like a pouncing effect. It was rather alarming as I didn't think Something so simple could occur. An example for this can be seen in responding to someones negative mood with a  negative mood as it generates more negativity.

BUT was this because these actions ring true or am I having a Placebo effect because after i saw this diagram my mind was conditioned to think in this way while speaking? See that would entail that I myself create my happiness through fooling myself like a placebo. Again all conjecture as full results would be trying this and testing it on someone who doesn't know anything on it. Simply telling someone talk positive and think positive without explaining why would help the matter and results.

In my opinion it is not a path school of thought as it can be seen to come from what most religions put out in their scriptures/lessons. Treating those how you would want to be treated. We all want to be treated fairly and with understanding and respect but we must give it as well. With that thought we all can co-exist and be happy. But there are things that will upset us and I am told by many people that it is natural to feel upset and get angry at certain things. So does my thought hold true that the negatives and positives should co-exist? Or is it a matter of simply saying and thinking it. Using the mind to control the rest of us. Mind over matter in a sense. Create with your mind and the negativity wont matter (lol).

Test it yourself and see if this rings true, I can not tell you it will work but its said for every action their is a reaction. Possibly Our Action of speaking has a reaction in our mind that comes us hearing it, transforming those words (though we can not see them) into something our brain perceives as truth. Again my first complaint stands to reason that a mute or someone who is deaf will have more trouble with this and then think more , Thinking with no vibrations doesn't allow us to put it out and take something back in much like a plan and photosynthesise.

There are issues but maybe happiness can be brought about on our own methods and ideas and words in this case.

Till Next write...

Happiness - Truth or fiction?

Many times throughout the day at my job I get told "Thank you" and "Have a nice day". Its a great thing knowing that i helped someone so much that they wish this upon me. I mean I have heard the opposite end but no where near as much as the positive end of the stick lol. Yet I look at those comments and I think. Why not have a "Nice Day"? What stops some of us as human beings from enjoying simple little thoughts and well wishes. Is happiness that difficult to obtain? Is it simply a word thrown around to label what our brains feel during a pleasurable moment?

A simple Definition of Happiness is a state of well-being and contentment or a pleasurable or satisfying experience. But see here is the issue what tells us what is Well-Being who is to tell us when we are well? Doctors I assume but we need to try to define our own well-being to ourselves. To someone like PLATO he said True happiness or achieving this happiness is “by means of virtue.”

Virtue - doing good things because YOU want to. Now ain't that a kick in the teeth. For us to have happiness we have to do things that we want for others that makes us happy. This really doesn't work to well sometimes cause we could do good things for others and then they can turn that to us and makes us feel regret which leads to anger and hate. Hate=/=happiness last I checked.

 

It seems difficult to pinpoint what exactly is the point in which we will or can get happiness. Analyzing Happiness is not that difficult. You have a cookie you are happy, you have sex you are happy, you receive a compliment you are happy. But those are instant and not lasting. You eat the cookie its gone, you fall asleep after sex(sometimes), you hear the compliment and the next minute its gone. Within Science there has been studies done and it is believed that the happiest man int he world has been found and it was a Buddhist monk:

 

Neuroscientist Richard Davidson wired up the monk's skull with 256 sensors at the University of Wisconsin as part of research on hundreds of advanced practitioners of meditation.
The scans showed that when meditating on compassion, Ricard's brain produces a level of gamma waves - those linked to consciousness, attention, learning and memory - 'never reported before in the neuroscience literature', Davidson said.
The scans also showed excessive activity in his brain's left prefrontal cortex compared to its right counterpart, giving him an abnormally large capacity for happiness and a reduced propensity towards negativity, researchers believe.


Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2225634/Is-worlds-happiest-man-Brain-scans-reveal-French-monk-abnormally-large-capacity-joy-meditation.html#ixzz2Qp1Pc9oe

Through meditation and research we are able to see that happiness can be seen and actually measured. But who is to say this man is truly happy in our OWN terms?

 

I practiced Meditation for a short period of time I never could find a quite spot but hey I live in NY . That wasn't gonna happen anytime soon lol. But it seems there is a correlation between letting life flow through you and not letting it effect you. A Buddhist by design (according to the practice) seeks nothing and thus it comes to him naturally. Flow with the river and never against it you will not find what you want for you desire nothing but you will instead be approached with good things the river provides. This can be seen as true. When we seek love we may be let down , When we seek wealth we may find ourselves with no money, when we desire we open up a huge margin of disappointment that can turn around and make a flip switch on/off.

 

 

Some people want money but what they really need is piece of mind. Yes that money/cookie/sex will make you happy for now but in the long run once you tired yourself out you become very disjointed from the world sometimes leaving an emptiness that you will perceive is due to lack of money. By not wanting it so much you will run into it and have your instant happiness and then by not letting that thought /idea of instant gratification control you and letting things smoothly go you gradually will feel a better happiness. Be happy instead of rich/sexed, full- it will come and go - Happiness will last. That dollar bill in your pocket isn't gonna be the memory you look back on when your on your death bed it going to be how you felt when you actually smiled before and after that money.

 

This of course Is easy to analyze and do yet when you actually try to put this into action, it can become something of a task at hand that many aren't prepared to handle. I mean when you look at yourself can you honestly say that your happy or not? If you are then you have found a piece of mind that you need to hold on to - If not then you need to find that piece of mind - That enlightened area that allows you to not only see but venture deeper into the world of happiness that we as human being try to explore alone with others and capture. Never seek but yet let it flow. A damning conundrum for if you don't seek it how will you know it is out there or that it will ever find you - But again Doubt draws near. Put it out and draw in life draw in happiness

 

Again its all relative as my focus and facts may not apply well to your own. i am no specialist nor am I a expert. But i am a human being and I have been through a lot - Have I found happiness - In a small way yes but not like our French monk lol. But I do have a sense that one day I will capture it but for not I try not to think of it. Let it flow

 

Till next write...

 

A random post - Adding more later

I have such a Large
Vocabulary beyond your brain
I sound sophisticated saying
Sophisticated its insane
Deranged, incomprehensible,
Demented, dotty, not the same
You simply need a Thesaurus
To keep up and remain
But by now your brain mush
Compared to my mind your simply lame
We are not the same
Im supernatural
Everything you say is questionable
While mine is actually Factual
If you think you can test me
Please first test yourself
No mathematician
But you absolute zero against myself
What i carry inside me is a great force
No need for Light sabers
You can almost taste this insanity
More flavor then life savers
You Garner no respect
Simply no accolade
No you is trusting your shit
I wont drink that kool-aid

WE Finish Last

WE Toil , We work
We Slave, We try
We want Friends
We Try but Die
We give , We Give
Taking is our last
You take and Take
The die is cast
We see, We look
We examine, We Witness
WE ponder, We think
We receive Stress
WE smile, We laugh
WE are seemingly well
WE cry, We yell
We hide this well
WE Seek, We expect
But love escapes Us
WE Go back to Pondering
The ideas Rape us
We race, We expect
To at least win
WE are beaten
No credit only FIN
We turn, We regroup
We try it again
WE wear that smile
Expecting to still win
We gain, We gain
We think we finally got it
We turn to realize
The last...We are it
WE fall, We cry
We hurt , We pick up
We feel weak
We look up
We clear the tears
We wipe off the dirt off
We finish our race
We look around , we scoff
WE came in last
We know it as fact
We leave, We laugh
Our Record is intact

By Robert G. 4/17/2013

A small Piece of a short story - Read - Comments are all welcomed

Winter's Snap:

It had been a long time since I saw a bean sprout. The last time I had ever seen one was within one of our books on agriculture. It was weird seeing something so lush and beautiful being held by this man before me - I wanted to hug this man and jump for joy because being one of the survivors it was like seeing an emerald angel before me. My name is Jason Aaron and the world has changed.

It all started slowly not like the movies of instantaneous freeze over but over years it slowly occurred. Days started to seem shorter, winters colder, and summers with less warmth every other year. Even thinking about summer seems like a fairy tale land that never truly existed but in our dreams. The times spent in an air conditioned room during those blazing years seem so useless and stupid when any of us would beg for 10 degrees more now.

A lot of what happened had many people guessing. Many scientists pointed to global warming, others blamed it as a natural occurs nice of the earth, while there were those who screamed out government conspiracy every chance they could get. If the government’s goal was to fall apart, kill more than half the population on earth and nearly starve everyone, rich or poor , then their mission was accomplished with golden stars. What was created was turmoil and chaos. Everyone trying their damnedest to move south and occupy that land in earnest. Of course this led to civil wars all across the globe.

All across America brother fought brother and relatives killed each other to protect what little land they had. Those protecting their families sometimes tried to accommodate for others out of the kindest still left , others would rather see their own grandparents freeze to death right on their door step. It was maddening how uncivilized people could become through a tragedy. Those who could take up arms did and with deadly force. If you had the guns you would wind up with the power, so even though our original government failed we still had something left over those who had the guns and the scientist. Those who still wanted to protect us and save us from those who would rather just see themselves survive despite the rest of humanity .The scientist were the key to our survival, they were able to conduct research and help design new ways for us regular folk to survive.

The most threatening thing that occurred during this permanent cold snap, an oxymoron yes but it best described the occurrence, was the lack of food. With a permanent winter we lost 80 percent of crops across the globe. The remaining little that did grow was rationed as good as possible but since it was barely enough have the time people would suffer from malnutrition, their immune system would slowly fail and sickness was assured, mainly followed by death. In Essence getting sick usually meant meeting you’re making sooner rather than later. It was a necessity to stay as healthy as possible. Hunting became our best option and the wilderness still provided enough for us to eat for now. But not only had plant life suffered but so did the animal population. Those that were on the endangered list were long gone; some animals were left in their zoo cages with no damn given about their life at all. Most all birds migrated as far south they could and stayed there on permanent vacation. The biggest issue we had were bears and wolves as they were already adapted to this kind of weather but we weren't some people would go out and never return forgetting that traveling with big groups was completely necessary lest you became their new meal. Yes there were some truths in wolves not attacking people, but when food became scarce for them it would not be rare to see a pack roaming around the boundaries of our camps.

 

Another thing that occurred, or rather was agreed upon was population control. The few children that survived with us suffered a great deal and we soon learned the mortality rate for any woman giving birth and her child had decreased greatly the colder it got. We were burying too many people left and right, with the graves being smaller and smaller every time. It was too much heartache and it dealt a blow to many peoples psyche. We would then agree to slow the growth of population with any and all birth control methods. Condoms were given to married and unmarried couples alike. The warmth of a woman was always sought after by men and now it was the last luxury of warmth we had left. We all agreed that our women needed to be protected at all costs and they were more valuable than anything we had left.  Any man caught attacking or even attempting to rape a woman was dealt with swiftly. It may seem like a barbaric thing to do but when facing the notion that if we ever got through this that they are the only thing that would help us repopulate, then of course all measures were taken to take care of those who became an issue.

It was sad to see people suffering like this but it became hazardous to try to get medicine especially since most of the things we needed like that were located in the upper regions where the temperature remained well below freezing, that on top of the fact that some people chose to live like outlaws and nomads in those regions made it a downright a deadly affair. It was a wonder there were people who could even survive those temperatures but they made due somehow constructing their own shelters, finding their own food with that which was left, who knows. All we know were the stories of those that survived encounters with them. It was like a retelling of a horror story as they were hunted like animals shot at and forced to freeze to death. No one ever saw their faces just the thick white parkas with fur and their weaponry. Those foolish enough to cross their path became their game. If you had any warmth of blankets coats or even the slightest food you were targeted. Considering anyone who came across their territory was labeled as such meant all persons were targets. The only thing stopping them from taking over the last survivable land to us were the guns on our side. The only thing keeping me alive was news of hope. Hope in the hands of a scientist who discovered a way to grow food that sustained the brutality of this damned cold and could bring a better life to us. I had to first find him and bring him back down south to make sure he could probably save us all.

A poem without a title and a person without a face

Society is a Mess but Seriously
Did We Expect the best?
Seen as Number one but is that
The view of the Rest?
We Look at ourselves
As simply superior
Yet we really should recieve
A proper kick to the posterior
WE act like we have never
Had any faults
As if some of this suff isnt
something straight of the occults
As if your choice
Is always supposed to be right
But when I last looked
I beleive you may have lost your sight
Sometimes we wind up seeing
What we want to see
Instead of actually seeing
What we want to be
Settle for the simple
And never the sky
All I can do is look back
Breathe in and sigh
Achieve more , Push harder
Be strong
When did these mottos
Become so wrong
You could have become
Your own spotlight
But no your just lost
In a fight
With no other contender
Other than you
Taking hits to the head
Blocking only a Few
And now you are
Dazed and Cofused
For when help came
You refused
You may not reach
All the way to the top
But please I ask
Dont stop


Robert G. 04/16/2013

Every Blog needs a review - Evil Dead - SPOILERS!!!!!!

Yes it does come a time that A Blogger thinks he is a top Critic and wants to express themselves in a different way then most others. That their thoughts are some how superior then others

This is no different - But keep calm these are only opinions.....that are more right then yours.

Evil Dead - Now what we have here is a Remake of the original horror based Evil Dead and when I say horror based I'm saying it because There were 2 Evil Dead movies as you recall the first was very horror based and the other one was more comedy horror and of course made Bruce Campbell The awesome guy he is today....

This movie starts out well it kinda just starts out of no where with a burning and shotgun blast ...which i didnt expect cause lets face it most movies start off with something decent . This movie starts off kicking you in the guy and asking are you okay well too fuckin bad cause here comes some more!

The plot remains simple we have a young group of people at a cabin the family owns and they want to help one girl get better cause she has a drug addiction. Charming as it has some background to it instead of lets go here to this cabin and fuck ....

Things turn for the worse as some idiot decides to read from the satanic book ...First off is a book has Barbed Fuckin Wire and Human flesh on it who the fuck would open that? Let alone touch it ? Then start reading it OUT loud like a bed time story....Who the fuck reads out loud like that ? No one but we have to have someone read the shit out loud - I would have preferred they stick with the audio tape being played but whatever.

After that all Hell breaks loose - Literally lmao And well we have plenty of disturbing scenes WITH LITERALLY Gallons of blood

Its a sweet Ride once the shit starts and the brutality of some of the violence gets to a point where your just like omfg this is the definition of torture porn but it aint you feel its almost like a snuff movie cause they dont hold back any punches, or nails , or crowbars, or raping trees, or well you get the picture.

Lets break down the scoring here

Sound - The music tone and sounds are pretty well done here , we get a sense of dread and fear when things start to happen and the sounds of metal smacking flesh will run in your ears and you will cringe just a bit. which means thats good. Nothing stood out in my mind as a great theme that would make you remember the movie however. so Ima go with 3/5

Visuals - HAHA The sheer lack of CGI and the boldness of the things they tried with eh make up and blood is top notch. You do not find movies like this anymore - Let me say that again you do not see good things like this anymore. All the time we see fake Cgi bullshit that ruins movies. This get the top score 5/5

Writing - The script is decent its not the best script int he world as again nothing memorable comes to mind. Great movies always have those lines that you will remember for the rest of your life this unfortunately lacked that. 3/5

Acting - I believe that some of the things that happened here in this category were great I mean how else can you act scared or have fear in your eyes. one guy in particular gets his ass kicked , stabbed , nailed , beaten down and he wont stay the fuck down and you feel for him cause he blames himself as he was the one who read the book out loud. The others come off decent and one character I cant even remember what purpose she served other then to die and be forgettable. 4/5


This movie averages a 3.75/5 - Worth the price of admission and very enjoyable with a crowd. I recommend seeing the originals as well then seeing this to see the differences in visal effects

BTW Stay for the after credits just for Bruce. lol

Till next write

OMG DID YOU SEE THIS HAPPEN?

This will piss people off!

Any comments are welcomed

So here it goes - Today at work I ran into OMG did you see what happened in Boston and I said no ...

Well look it up and see and when I saw the bombs go off and the fuck injured people all I can think was wow that is fucked up but I didnt dwell on it

Honestly I fuckin didn't cause I got other shit on my brain then this does that make me less of a human being to some of you- YES cause I didnt cry my eyes out and weep over the loses of other people. I want to make one fact Clear ...CLEAR!!! The death of another human being is horrible. Imagine yourself in this life smiling and then BAM gone. You cant even have time to feel let alone fuckin think and your gone! Thats a sad thought alone , but then others who feel your loss it just compounds it to a greater extent that makes us feel vulnerable and sad.

CUT THE SHIT OUT ! You people didnt know these people but will post pictures on facebook like it fuckin will make a difference. Guess what it fuckin wont! All it does is spread the sadness around like a fuckin plague. In a time of things liek this we need to be stronger and not try to make other cry and tear up!

Its like the whole Like god or comment bullshit on facebook. WHO THE FUCK cares?! Does god have a facebook you morons no he is omnipresent and will know you love him no status on a computer will change that nor will this fuckin bullshit about prayer and hope and wishes for Boston....Granted if thats how you wanna cope then fine but realize that facebook isnt the fuckin place to do that . No 1 million likes will make Jesus more real to us then your status update and no amount of prayer will bring some people to coping with this loss

Let me be Frank the shit that happened before with all those kids struck me real hard. but then facts got messed up and things got re arranged and then I got mad cause no one had a straight story anymore! I saw with my own eyes a Parent joking and laughing Right before he went on camrea then start fuckin crying about his daughter . Im sorry did you gain bi-polar disorder that fuckin fast? No

Im not a huge conspiracy theorist but you gotta smell bullshit when its in the air! What happened in Boston IS SAD ! But when you look at it I bet you that facts will change people will change and things will change but shit will be sketchy and we will have have lies left and right

People getting hurt and dying is no laughing matter nor is it something to take lightly but in all honesty I pity you people

I care about others to an extent where people tell me Im too fuckin nice....I give a dollar I go the extra Mile and I exceed my limit and still smile. A lot of you dont but will Fuckin Get "Sad" over this no you will GET OVER THIS ..just like how we all get over shit that happens. Wake the Fuck up

If you didnt care now then you didnt care back then and you wont care in the future ... You will be sad nut its a simple process of mourning that frankly many of us are tired of ! I been through it plenty of fuckin times I live in Brooklyn people Die every fuckin DAY almost Im sad but I aint in mourning - WE have mother killing kids and it mourning I get over it

Shit liek 9/11 hit us all but Honestly when you wake the fuck up you realize that its just another blow we have to take and regain our lives from cause if we dont we will be victims and see ourselves as victims and then where are we??? In a state of fear and disarray ....Vulnerable and pron to bullshit

Feel sad but hold those tears damn it !