Becoming a demon
Chap. 1
Another day of
little to no sleep again. I lay there tossing and turning trying to force my
mind to shut off and not listen to anything my mind keeps throwing at me. I lay
there allowing the cruelest thoughts pass through my mind like a powerful
locomotive through a tunnel that has been sealed at the other end. The crash of
thoughts and ideas keep my mind a blaze with fragments of memories,
calculation, worries, and satisfaction and in general a mess of information I
do not want to think about anymore. I close my eyes tighter hoping that the information
will disperse into the night air like a faint mist, but it only seems to
reinforce itself and gather power like a tiny hurricane attacking my mind with
gale force winds of contemplation that I never asked to defend. They come at me
screaming for attention, for my feedback as to how I will solve these
conundrums that I cannot face at the moment. My eyes open and they are filled
with tears from lack of sleep more than sadness, yet the sadness contributes to
them as well. I raise my body up from the comfort of the bed and check the
time. It is 4:38 am and I must be awake by 7:30 am. If I count when I actually
went to sleep around 12am and when I woke back up around 2:30am I may get 4
hours of sleep today. Maybe. I rub my eyes that sting with fatigue and look
around me for the 5th time as if my surroundings would change with
each checkup. I’m alone in my queen sized bed. I am sweating as always even
with a fan blowing cool air upon me. The sweat is on the pillow along with the
tears I wiped away, I
simply flip it over. I sit up and
see my mirror across from me I squint and look at my face forcing a smile
across it in defiance of this lonely cruel night. I smile and think “How silly
a smile may seem like now compared to yesterday” I stretch my chest out and
await the loud pop that accompanies it. Once it occurs I feel a slight relief
and try to lie back down. My mind awaits me on that pillow and I don’t want to
rest my head.
I don’t want to think of how I need
to pay that bill that is due, I don’t want to think of my son who sleeps
soundly in the next room thankfully oblivious to my blight, I don’t want to
think about the upcoming events I want to go to , I don’t want to think about
the sleep I am not getting , I don’t want to think about her…
Tears
fill my eyes again. A simple flash of memory shoots through my mind like a
bullet on fire tearing through my soft thoughts of happiness. She is there
lying next to me, we are in a really terrible apartment. It smells of canine
piss and shit but the smell is nowhere near as strong in the room thankfully.
It is morning and my son is still asleep barely weeks old but looking adorable.
The bed is by a window so the morning light hits us both. I turn my head I open
my eyes and she is there half-awake but smiling at me, she grabs my left ear
with her right hand and strokes it as she smiles. I take a picture of this as I
want to remember it for to me she seems so innocent and so safe. I place my arm
around her we close our eyes and fall back asleep holding one another in an
embrace of safety and protection from the outside cruel world that was shunning
us. We fall back asleep and I smile in my head thinking I am safe, I am calm, I
am happy.
My
pillow is soaked with sweat and tears again. I get up and walk to my closet
open it up and take another pillow and toss it on the bed. It is 5:02am and I
am still awake. I stop in my tracks and look into the mirror again. I walk to
it and smile; I force a smile to state “Fuck You” to those thoughts, to shut
them up, to stop them from seeping in any more, from making me go simply
insane. I feel a rage in my body that I do not want to hold in. I want to
scream but I can’t. I want to tear into something but I won’t. I open my mouth
as wide as I can and silence comes out. The silent scream that has no sound but
is so powerful it makes my body shake. It causes me to come to my knees and I
feel the scream to my very core. The tears flow freely as I keep going on the
same scream. I feel my energy being spent on this scream, my whole being is focused
on this, and I feel I am expelling all those thoughts from my mind. This scream
is silent but it is the loudest thing in my mind right now. As it ends I am now
on the cold hard floor. I feel numb. I do not want to move from here, but I
have to get to my bed. I push myself up with as much energy as I can. I pull
myself up to my bureau , I sweep all the item that are encompassing the area
away to the floor and I prop myself up on my elbows and I look at myself again.
I do not want to smile. Instead of a smile I spit on the mirror. I hate that
person I see there because he is weak, he is delusional, and he is something I
do not want to be. I slowly lurch my way to my bed and plop down while trying
to breathe. I count each breathe slowly
calming myself down. I give myself
time to recuperate from this and I see that it’s now 5:30am on the dot. I will
not get 4 hours of sleep this night. Maybe soon I will get the sleep I need,
but it seems like it will not be tonight. I flip the pillow again. Place my
head down and face what is to come. I do not want anything to come. I just want
sleep.
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