A single rose

One year ago I proposed to her ....she said yes
She took back the ring I foolishly took from her after blind anger clouded me
One year ago she said yes but take it slow
I thought I was taking it slow doing what needed to be done
Waiting too long took a toll on my mind
One year ago she said Yes but things need to change
I thought I was changing I thought I was doing better , I was wrong
I was becoming a monster
I was obsessed wanting more and more with no regard for myself
I was not me following those months of
One year ago when she said Yes
I became eradicate , unstable , and jealous
I was something I knew I didn't want to be
I wanted her to be happy at every turn even when I wasn't
One year ago I thought I would be happier
After she accepted the ring I felt joy and a direction in love
I wouldn't know that my direction would take many turns
Speaking with others on my mental state I was slowly breaking down
A welcomed thing occurred and then disaster all in a short time frame
Afterward Things were never the same
I wasn't wanted , wasn't needed , wasn't the one to love
One year ago I wouldn't have thought I would hit the bottom
I crashed into the lowest level and broke through it
My eyes full of tears , my brain racked with pain, my broken
I caused it all with my foolish ways and lifestyle
Choosing the bottle more times then most others would be called safe
Never seeing things in a brighter light only in a darker hue
I crashed and burned , I was a shell of my former self
I kept banging into the bottom day in and day out and I wanted release
I wanted out I wanted something more I was told I couldn't have
One year ago I was nowhere
But where do I stand now? Powerless , helpless, or the opposite
My tears stopped flowing , my anger ceased to erupt,
My mind not quite at ease but still not quite the same
I have my own direction but I fear the distance I am to travel
I look around and wish I had someone to grasp on to but
I know that this is not how I must proceed
She lies there not quite asleep and closer then I could have ever wanted
One year ago this is all I wanted
To lay next to her and be one
There is a wall there, not visible but it still is there
An arm - No
A hug - No
A Kiss - No
Love - ....no

One year ago I am as lonely as I started
I don't want this path anymore

My tears don't soak any pillows
My rage breaks no more walls
My mind does not scream to bring back peace
Just to bring back myself

One year ago I would have done this year different
If I knew the consequenses of my actions
If I knew the outcome of my words
If I knew I would still be unloved by her

This year ....no more...

Till next write and next year

Roberto H. Gonzalez