A single rose

One year ago I proposed to her ....she said yes
She took back the ring I foolishly took from her after blind anger clouded me
One year ago she said yes but take it slow
I thought I was taking it slow doing what needed to be done
Waiting too long took a toll on my mind
One year ago she said Yes but things need to change
I thought I was changing I thought I was doing better , I was wrong
I was becoming a monster
I was obsessed wanting more and more with no regard for myself
I was not me following those months of
One year ago when she said Yes
I became eradicate , unstable , and jealous
I was something I knew I didn't want to be
I wanted her to be happy at every turn even when I wasn't
One year ago I thought I would be happier
After she accepted the ring I felt joy and a direction in love
I wouldn't know that my direction would take many turns
Speaking with others on my mental state I was slowly breaking down
A welcomed thing occurred and then disaster all in a short time frame
Afterward Things were never the same
I wasn't wanted , wasn't needed , wasn't the one to love
One year ago I wouldn't have thought I would hit the bottom
I crashed into the lowest level and broke through it
My eyes full of tears , my brain racked with pain, my broken
I caused it all with my foolish ways and lifestyle
Choosing the bottle more times then most others would be called safe
Never seeing things in a brighter light only in a darker hue
I crashed and burned , I was a shell of my former self
I kept banging into the bottom day in and day out and I wanted release
I wanted out I wanted something more I was told I couldn't have
One year ago I was nowhere
But where do I stand now? Powerless , helpless, or the opposite
My tears stopped flowing , my anger ceased to erupt,
My mind not quite at ease but still not quite the same
I have my own direction but I fear the distance I am to travel
I look around and wish I had someone to grasp on to but
I know that this is not how I must proceed
She lies there not quite asleep and closer then I could have ever wanted
One year ago this is all I wanted
To lay next to her and be one
There is a wall there, not visible but it still is there
An arm - No
A hug - No
A Kiss - No
Love - ....no

One year ago I am as lonely as I started
I don't want this path anymore

My tears don't soak any pillows
My rage breaks no more walls
My mind does not scream to bring back peace
Just to bring back myself

One year ago I would have done this year different
If I knew the consequenses of my actions
If I knew the outcome of my words
If I knew I would still be unloved by her

This year ....no more...

Till next write and next year

Roberto H. Gonzalez

The Rage of Night

Becoming a demon

 

Chap. 1

 

Another day of little to no sleep again. I lay there tossing and turning trying to force my mind to shut off and not listen to anything my mind keeps throwing at me. I lay there allowing the cruelest thoughts pass through my mind like a powerful locomotive through a tunnel that has been sealed at the other end. The crash of thoughts and ideas keep my mind a blaze with fragments of memories, calculation, worries, and satisfaction and in general a mess of information I do not want to think about anymore. I close my eyes tighter hoping that the information will disperse into the night air like a faint mist, but it only seems to reinforce itself and gather power like a tiny hurricane attacking my mind with gale force winds of contemplation that I never asked to defend. They come at me screaming for attention, for my feedback as to how I will solve these conundrums that I cannot face at the moment. My eyes open and they are filled with tears from lack of sleep more than sadness, yet the sadness contributes to them as well. I raise my body up from the comfort of the bed and check the time. It is 4:38 am and I must be awake by 7:30 am. If I count when I actually went to sleep around 12am and when I woke back up around 2:30am I may get 4 hours of sleep today. Maybe. I rub my eyes that sting with fatigue and look around me for the 5^th time as if my surroundings would change with each checkup. I’m alone in my queen sized bed. I am sweating as always even with a fan blowing cool air upon me. The sweat is on the pillow along with the tears I wiped away, I

 

 

 

simply flip it over. I sit up and see my mirror across from me I squint and look at my face forcing a smile across it in defiance of this lonely cruel night. I smile and think “How silly a smile may seem like now compared to yesterday” I stretch my chest out and await the loud pop that accompanies it. Once it occurs I feel a slight relief and try to lie back down. My mind awaits me on that pillow and I don’t want to rest my head.

I don’t want to think of how I need to pay that bill that is due, I don’t want to think of my son who sleeps soundly in the next room thankfully oblivious to my blight, I don’t want to think about the upcoming events I want to go to , I don’t want to think about the sleep I am not getting , I don’t want to think about her…

          Tears fill my eyes again. A simple flash of memory shoots through my mind like a bullet on fire tearing through my soft thoughts of happiness. She is there lying next to me, we are in a really terrible apartment. It smells of canine piss and shit but the smell is nowhere near as strong in the room thankfully. It is morning and my son is still asleep barely weeks old but looking adorable. The bed is by a window so the morning light hits us both. I turn my head I open my eyes and she is there half-awake but smiling at me, she grabs my left ear with her right hand and strokes it as she smiles. I take a picture of this as I want to remember it for to me she seems so innocent and so safe. I place my arm around her we close our eyes and fall back asleep holding one another in an embrace of safety and protection from the outside cruel world that was shunning us. We fall back asleep and I smile in my head thinking I am safe, I am calm, I am happy.

          My pillow is soaked with sweat and tears again. I get up and walk to my closet open it up and take another pillow and toss it on the bed. It is 5:02am and I am still awake. I stop in my tracks and look into the mirror again. I walk to it and smile; I force a smile to state “Fuck You” to those thoughts, to shut them up, to stop them from seeping in any more, from making me go simply insane. I feel a rage in my body that I do not want to hold in. I want to scream but I can’t. I want to tear into something but I won’t. I open my mouth as wide as I can and silence comes out. The silent scream that has no sound but is so powerful it makes my body shake. It causes me to come to my knees and I feel the scream to my very core. The tears flow freely as I keep going on the same scream. I feel my energy being spent on this scream, my whole being is focused on this, and I feel I am expelling all those thoughts from my mind. This scream is silent but it is the loudest thing in my mind right now. As it ends I am now on the cold hard floor. I feel numb. I do not want to move from here, but I have to get to my bed. I push myself up with as much energy as I can. I pull myself up to my bureau , I sweep all the item that are encompassing the area away to the floor and I prop myself up on my elbows and I look at myself again. I do not want to smile. Instead of a smile I spit on the mirror. I hate that person I see there because he is weak, he is delusional, and he is something I do not want to be. I slowly lurch my way to my bed and plop down while trying to breathe. I count each breathe slowly

 

 

calming myself down. I give myself time to recuperate from this and I see that it’s now 5:30am on the dot. I will not get 4 hours of sleep this night. Maybe soon I will get the sleep I need, but it seems like it will not be tonight. I flip the pillow again. Place my head down and face what is to come. I do not want anything to come. I just want sleep.